An Amusing Look at the Premiership Season Ahead

23Oct08

This article takes a look at the likely outcome of the end of this Premiership season. Please note that as the season has not been played out it is impossible to accurately predict the outcome. None of the events that are mentioned in this article have actually happened yet and it could be argued that events probably won’t unfold like this.

Manchester City win the Premier League with the money from Dubai. They were hovering in the mid-table positions before their new owners went shopping in the January sales. Berbatov and Tevez made the switch to the blue half on Manchester. The additions of Kaka, Ronaldinho and Fabregas provided their new look forward line with the ammunition to secure Premiership glory. City are early favourites to win next years Champions League.

Newcastle looked like a club doomed to relegation but a takeover by a mystery Cuban consortium revived the clubs fortunes. The Toon Army took advantage of Manchester United’s money problems by securing the services of Ferdinand and Rooney in January. An influx of South American talent saw the geordies stage a late title bid and they lost on goal average on the final day of the season. Alan Shearer was relieved from his position as manager because he failed to meet the fans’ expectations. Newcastle will play in next years Champions League.

Chelsea looked in a strong position but faltered over the festive period. Abramovich funded the purchase of Lionel Messi in February and the title challenge seemed to be back on track. Mysteriously, the ogliarch has been missing since March and there are rumours that Chelski could face financial ruin if he does not return to Stamford Bridge soon. Messi proved a shrewd purchase as the Blues won the Champions League trophy in Rome. John Terry scores the winning penalty. A third place finish is not enough to qualify for the Champions league due to the new financial requirements.

Liverpool finally looked like they were going to make an impact on the Premier League. It was all going so well as they led the table going into the festive period. The acquisition of Lionel Messi in the January transfer window seemed to cement that they were a club on the rise. Unfortunately, with Hicks and Gillett unable to restructure loans taken out to acquire the club Liverpool were in turmoil by February. There assets were sold off, which saw Anfield become Manchester City’s new reserve stadium and a whole host of players released. Liverpool made the move to share Goodison Park. Gerrard moved on a free transfer to Inter Milan, while Messi moved to Chelsea and Torres opted for Everton. Liverpool finished in 4th but were unable to particpate in Europe due to the new financial requirements.

Hull City took the Premiership by storm. They finished in 5th position and qualified for the champions league due to UEFA’s new rules that clubs in debt can no longer participate in European Competition.

Everton seemed as if they were destined for another season of mid-table mediocrity. The financial collapse of Liverpool FC benefitted the club as they received a huge income from renting out their Goodison Park ground. The income allowed the club to prepare an audacious bid for spanish superstar Fernando Torres. The striker was available on a free and fired the toffees into Europe, finishing in 6th place. They received the final champions league place.

Manchester United were hit hard by the global credit crunch. Crowds were falling at Old Trafford, the Red Devil’s main sponsors collapsed and the Glaziers were unable to restructure the loans used to purchase the club. This resulted in the club selling off their most prized assets to stay afloat. Barcelona use the money from the Messi transfer to steal Ronaldo from under the noses of Real Madrid. Other January transfers included Ferdinand and Rooney moving east to Newcastle, and Berbatov and Tevez making the short transfer to Manchester City.

West Ham managed to get their act together and were cruising towards european qualification. The Tevez/Mascherano saga came back to haunt them as they were ordered to swap positions with Sheffield United, who had just been relegated from the Championship. West Ham will start the new season in League One and Sheffield United have qualifed for the UEFA cup due to the Hammers 8th place position.

Aston Villa were flying high but were deducted points for fielding an ineligible player. Steven Gerrard paired Gareth Barry in midfield during January after the midfielder had been released by Liverpool. Gerrard had already signed a contract with Inter Milan and was therefore playing illegally for the villians. 

Portsmouth faced a Government inquiry due to alleged match-fixing. As a result the team have been relegated from the Premier League. No further comment can be added at this time. They were initially replaced by Championship winners Cardiff City but it appears that they are from Wales. As a result the impostors were directed to the Welsh Premier League and replaced by Ipswich because they finished in 12th.

Arsenal were another club caught up in the credit crunch. Only one apartment was sold in their Highbury development and attendances fell in the Emirates stadium. This resulted in the club cashing in on inspirational midfielder Cesc Fabregas. Star signings Bramble and McShane were unable to shore up a leaky defence and the Gooners were unable to recover from the players lost in the January transfer window. 

Sunderland were another team loitering in mid-table before manager, Roy Keane, was involved in an altercation with angry Sunderland fans in March. It seems Nial Quinn’s protective decision to play the rest of their home games behind closed doors didn’t prove to have a positive impact on the teams performance.

Wigan chairman Dave Whelan sold his chain of sports shops to finance the expansion of the Wigan brand. The Whelan Arena will soon be open and is aimed at providing affordable viewing experiences for the whole nation. The capacity will be just over one hundred thousand and admission prices are set at just two pounds. Entrance includes a free hot dog,

Middlesbrough made it to the FA Cup final. Injury problems resulted in Gareth Southgate bringing himself on in the second half of extra time. In the penalty shoot-out he missed the decisive penalty. Southgate is currently using the off season to film a series of original Pizza Hut adverts.

Bolton were boosted by the return of Jay Jay Okocha as a player-manager. The Nigerian inspired Bolton to win the FA Cup. Okocha won the battle of the managers in the penalty shoot out with an audacious chip into the top corner. They managed to finish the season on a high after having to slug it out in the relegation zone.

Stoke City managed to survive a dogged relegation battle. The team were involved in a controversial merger with Basingstoke Town. After failing to fill the Brittainia, the Stoke side decided to move 160 miles to the Camrose ground in Hampshire. 

West Bromich Albion appointed Adrian Chiles as their new manager. The team really came together as a unit and managed to fend off relegation in their first season back in the big time. They didn’t manage to find a shirt sponsor until March. Luckily, the Women’s Bowling Association stepped in and created a lucrative partnership. Several players have been loaned in each direction.

Blackburn suffered due to falling attendances at Ewood Park as most of their fans started supporting Manchester City. Luckily, even though they finished in the relegation zone they will stay up due to Pompey being relegated.

Fulham suffered from the global economic crisis. Mohammed Al Fayed was forced to tighten the purse strings after Harrods was closed due to competition from a new Knightsbridge Tesco Superstore. QPR replace them after coming second in the Championship. They have agreed to take over the Olympic Stadium after it has been built.

Tottenham become the first ever team to go through an entire season without winning a game. They are relegated with a measly total of nine points, a record low. They qualify for the UEFA cup due to UEFA’s new financial requirements. Crystal Palace will replace them in the Premiership after winning in the play-offs. Moses and Clyne were the goalscorers against Sheffield Wednesday. An excited Jordan (NOTE: Simon Jordan, not the glamour model) stated “I bet John Bostock wish he’d have stayed put”.

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